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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Mixed Emotions

I am overjoyed, thrilled, ecstatic, walking on sunshine - daily.  Even during the first trimester, while clutching the sides of the bathroom sink, being unable to control that horrible gagging and puking, I PRAISED GOD.  I did.  I loved it all because I knew that it meant I was growing a baby and that? That is a blessing. 

I've also had an internal struggle that nags at me every now and then.  It's the weight thing.  It's always been an issue for me.  I was close to content with where I was right before we found out I was pregnant.  I was almost there.  So close.  I look back at the first belly shot and then I get a reality check when I see present-day photos.  Most times I smile.  I feel happy and giddy knowing that my big ol' belly is our sweet baby girl.  Sometimes though, sometimes it hurts.  Today is one of those days.  I woke up feeling down.  Unattractive.  I was burdened with the fear of thinking that my husband doesn't find me attractive anymore.  Through tears I told him this and he did his best to reassure me that I was out of my mind...but nonetheless, it's not an easy thought to get out of my head.  It's still there nagging me.  Tomorrow I'll most likely feel different.  I will see that big, beautiful belly for what it is and I will be okay. 


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